Attention Ladies: Courting is Not Dead!

Stop giving everything away to men in the beginning. Stop chasing them and allow yourself to be chased.

— Lauren Sanders

Contrary to what many may believe, the act of courting still exists. It has never gone away. It still remains, though many of us may beg to differ. Many believe that the men of today don’t understand what it means to court and treat a lady the way she deserves to be treated. However, it would be more accurate to state that the standards to which we hold men to have indeed changed. We receive what we attract. We tolerate sub-standard treatment. Therefore, why would a man go above and beyond to please us if we are not requiring more of him? Better yet, why would he treat you any differently, if he feels you are happy with the current treatment he is providing? My intention is not to male bash, but instead to hold women more accountable for the behaviors they tolerate.

A few months ago, I was engaging in conversation with a male regarding his beliefs toward courting, and the two of us could not reach common ground regarding the topic of “dating and courting.” He assumed I was stating men should always pay for everything all of the time, and that women should never ever pay for anything. He also assumed that a woman was being materialistic if she required a man to pay in the early stages of dating. No matter how many times I tried to re-word and restate my point, he kept reaching the same one sided conclusion about my argument. He insinuated that my beliefs were that men should do all the treating, and women should sit back and enjoy the ride. He completely missed meaning of the conversation. I was not at all suggesting that women should aim to empty out a man’s wallet. I was instead implying that women should allow themselves to be pursued in the beginning stages of a relationship. Courting is the most common act of pursuance. Paying for dates, planning dates, and opening doors with a woman you are “pursuing” will be included. This is actually a very basic definition for courting. As the relationship advances and the two of you become exclusive, of course you will want to do nice things for him. Offering to take him out to dinner, or surprising him with a gift now and then, should most definitely be a part of any meaningful, exclusive relationship. However, a man should not “require” anything of you. He should not mandate that you pay for anything. If you offer to treat him, it should be from the heart, not because he asked you to go “dutch” for the evening or feels as if he always pays, so now it’s time for you to pay.

Keep in mind, the behavior you decide to tolerate early on the relationship will follow you into the future. Also remember that whatever means you use to “get” the man, you will also have to utilize these same means to “keep” him around. If you offer to pay for the first date, or frequently offer to provide things to him early in the relationship, he will expect these same acts to occur for the length of the relationship. If you suddenly grow tired of always initiating dates, quality time, phone calls and everything else and consequently decide to stop doing them, he will find somebody else to deliver the same method of treatment you’ve chosen to spoil him with. You can’t offer milk to a cow, and then take it away; he’s already used to receiving it and benefiting from it. If this ever occurs to you, or has occurred to you in the past, let him go; he wasn’t worth your time. Let him find somebody else to court him. Unless you don’t mind being the aggressor of the relationship, which usually doesn’t end with the best outcome.

Allow yourself to be pursued, not the other way around. Don’t be so eager to find a man, that you’ll be willing to do anything just to get him. Wait until you have the right man in your life before you begin to spoil him. Every man you meet will not necessarily be worthy of your love and kind nature. Stop giving everything away to men in the beginning. Stop chasing them and allow yourself to be chased. Stop pursuing him for time and attention and allow him to welcome himself into your life with open arms. Stop laying down in bed with him so quickly, leaving nothing else to look forward to in the future. Stop buying him items, and paying for dates in the early stages of the relationship. And lastly, stop giving him a piece of your heart, and expecting him to cherish it. Not all men will value your love; many will instead take advantage of it. Learn to be less eager, relax, and patiently wait for the truth to reveal itself.

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